INFP Small-Talk and General Conversation Guide

Someone asked a general question about understanding INFPs and how we do with small talk in particular.  I never got around to actually posting my response, as I worked on it too long and then read all the other replies and thought they had covered it well enough, but I guess I will post this set of general observations here.  (This certainly isn't a complete guide to talking with INPFs).

- INFPs usually don't have a clue how to deal with small talk, but out of courtesy will make some attempt if another person engages them in it.  It depends a great deal on what their interests are, as well as how important it is to them to make a positive social connection.  If the small talk happens to hit upon something they have true interest in they will usually 'light up' and engage, otherwise they will feel bored to tears while attempting not to be rude... which they may fail at despite their best intentions when they simply can't muster the response others are looking for.  INFPs tend to jump rather quickly from the mundane general topics of small talk into personal opinions and speculations, or may answer 'too genuinely', or with too much information, or with some 'random' thought the original comment reminded them of, rather than following the somewhat formulaic social niceities which are intended to make only a passing surface aknowledgement of one's fellow man.  

- INFPs may take refuge in 'small talk' however when they feel obligated to be sociable but wish to avoid the vulnerability of openly sharing about things that matter to them either to people they don't know well or to people they expect disapproval or misunderstanding from.  While others may use small talk as an easy way to open conversation with others and make new connections, most of the time INFPs are not really looking to do these things and will wait for others to initiate instead, unless they are feeling particularly confident and cheerful, or feel it particularly important to get to know someone - though they may feel at a loss as to what exactly would be the expected, appropriate conversational starter topics. 

- INFPs will tend to hang back and listen and observe people they aren't close to, usually with a relatively straight face but in conversation they will usually attempt to reflect the other person's emotions, and tend to give small affirmative indications which can get them 'stuck' politely listening to someone ramble about things they have no interest in themselves, but because they don't want to be rude to the other person they continue to provide affirmation which is meant to communicate encouragement for the person, not so much the subject matter.  

- or they may completely ignore other people either because they are absorbed in their own thoughts, or perhaps a book, and are simply oblivious, or because they are feeling intimidated and either don't want to bother people and presume to interject in their conversations or in any way incur their disapproval.

- INFPs will focus or 'latch on' to anything they can actually agree with or relate to personally and sort of direct the conversation along that vein while remaining silent on subjects where they cannot say anything that will seem agreeable to the other person.  They won't usually outright pretend to like something they don't, or agree with something they don't, they just go quiet unless it's a subject that really hits a nerve with them, then they may surprise people with their vehemence (if they are not still too shy to speak up).  Even though they may not be aware of all the unspoken social 'rules', INFPs do usually have a strong sense of what an individual person (or people in a specific situation) would deem inappropriate and will usually do their best to maintain harmony and not draw too much attention to themselves, but may not always succeed in hiding a strong reaction that is triggered and may momentarily forget their self-consciousness (this is never done because they are trying to get attention, they usually kick themselves for it later).  

-  INFPs tend to be most reserved around people they slightly know, while they are usually more open and genuine (sometimes even loud) with people they know well, and they may sometimes completely disregard social expectations around strangers who can have little effect on their life beyond the present moment (because their opinions really don't matter) and thus become more outspoken and expressive as any embarrassment or dischord that results will have minimal impact.  

- INFPs usually try to be kind, understanding, and encouraging to others unless they perceive the other person as being hostile and inconsiderate to begin with, then if they do not simply avoid that person altogether, they may uncharacteristically return 'an eye for an eye' feeling justified in switching off their normal empathy and tact.  They can often see underlying causes of people's negative traits, however, allowing them to also be a lot more patient and forgiving of shortcomings and unkindness than many people would be.  Others often accuse us of 'making excuses' for other people mistreating us, but a lot of times we can see the pain behind someone's cruelty and view the one who harms us as a victim as much as we are ourselves in that case.  

- INFPs don't go out of their way to be friendly to people they don't sense a connection with or see a need to have on their side because they don't have enough 'social energy' to 'waste' on unimportant interactions or meaningless relationships.  Sometimes they can be a bit stand-offish and judgemental of others, particularly if they have become bitter from other people criticizing and rejecting them, but usually healthy INFPs actually mean well towards everyone and their lack of friendliness is not meant as anything personal against other people, it's simply a matter of knowing their limits and conserving their energy for their most important relationships.

- The more people present, the less likely an INFP is to share their thoughts or attempt to interject in a conversation.  With just one other person we are a lot more likely to find a chance to say something, but even then the other person's pace of conversation may leave us in the dust or feeling like we can't say anything without rudely interrupting.  We need a little 'breathing space', a little pause on the other person's part so we know it's okay to take 'control' of the conversation by saying something.  It helps if it's handed off to us by someone pausing and looking at us, or asking us a question, but... we can also become tongue-tied when put on the spot, and my find ourselves babbling in a way we will later keep rehashing in our heads because it was Soooo not what we meant to say.  We often have to ease into our thoughts, and while pressured may start out saying one thing and then revising it halfway through once our minds have a chance to catch up with our mouths, or else we may just stammer or stare blankly at people giving the impression of being dumb, when in fact if they would wait a little longer we might have something great to say.