The Purpose of Introverted Feeling in the Grand Scheme

This is a response to someone asking about the purpose, role, or usefulness of the cognitive function Introverted Feeling (Fi) in the larger picture of society and helping others solve problems, not just it's importance within an individual.  This is about ways that FPs (ENFP, INFP, ESFP, ISFP) contribute to the lives of those around them.  

Fi sifts through all the priorities and obligations and hones it all down to what is truly important, reminding people of where the real value and joy in life is to be found.  It reminds people to notice and enjoy beauty, which can help renew people with a sense of joy and peace.   

Fi's insight into the workings of the internal self can be quite valuable for personal emotional/psychological/relational growth, not just to the individual with Fi, but to other people as well.  Remember that Fi is working with information from the perception functions Extroverted Intuition (Ne) or Extroverted Sensing (Se), so it's not totally blind to what's going on outside itself with other people.  Fi's recognition of it's own individuality helps it to be aware of and accepting of Different ways of thinking and feeling within other individuals, allowing it to provide understanding and insight about others who are not the same as themselves.  Fi's ability to 'see' the inner 'essence' of another person prompts compassion and gives the Fi user a very personal touch when encouraging, comforting, or inspiring someone.  Fi's deep understanding of emotions can also 'touch' others indirectly when they 'connect' with Fi inspired art and personal expressions.  

I think Fi's value of individuality doesn't end with itself, but values the individuality of everyone, often prompting someone to act as the champion of minorities, of people who are overlooked or don't fit, of alternative movements, different ideas, and new styles of art, etc. I think Introverted Thinking (Ti) does some of this too of course, but both types of Introverted Judging (Ji) have their own approach which are useful for different people and situations.  I believe Fi values diversity and helps prevent homogenization.  While Unity and Harmony are good, and may also be valued by Fi folk, they can also become static and oppressive.  Variety is the spice of life as they say, and while I'm sure there would still be variety without the FPs in the world... I suspect there would be less of it. 

I think one of the important roles of Fi is standing up to group values when they start running awry, especially when it comes to remembering the needs and interests of 'the few'.  While Fi dom/aux people aren't the only ones who can do this, Fi seems most likely to question values that are culturally/religiously taken for granted, to motivate someone to instigate a change of values, and take to the brave step of being the first to stand alone against the crowd (Ti probably does this more with concepts and systems, Fi more with morals, matters of compassion, and style).

Regarding the question about solving problems: 

Determining your true priorities, and gaining understanding of your internal emotional/mental landscape helps to give a person direction, helps give them insight into what the most sensible course of action will be for them as an individual with the overall personal results in mind, not just the current specific situation.  Gaining insight and appreciation for how other individuals feel and value and think about things can help tremendously with relationships.  And it's amazingly empowering to have your individuality appreciated.

Regarding the misconception that Fi is 'selfish':

There is no selfish function.  People are selfish.  Despite the stereotypes out there, I don't believe there is any type that is more likely to be selfish than others. 

Introverted Feeling takes the observations from Ne-Si or Se-Ni and internally evaluates what is most important to that person as an individual - this includes factoring in the values of others that it is aware of.  In my experience any moderately mature FP is well aware of the subjective nature of their evaluations and has great respect for each individual person's ability and right to determine what they believe is important for themselves, which leads them to be accepting and non-pushy in their interactions.  When Fi has determined that the needs of someone else are more important than one's own personal desires or needs, it results in selfless, generous, compassionate, helpful attitudes and actions.

Fi does tend to resist the will of others when it does not agree, but at least when mature it also allows others to disagree and go their own way as well.  While in SOME cases resistance of other's will may indeed be selfish, it is my opinion that far too often people are quick to accuse someone else of being 'selfish' just because they are themselves selfishly annoyed that the other person has not complied with their own will.  This accusation implies that other people are not allowed to make their own choices or stand up for themselves - lest they be shamed for being 'selfish'.  Non-compliance is not always the same as selfishly caring for no one but your own interests, and it is not inherently laudable to always acquiesce to the will of others.  

Another (shorter) Post on Criticism and INFP Reactions

This was in response to someone asking why INFPs usually react so badly to 'constructive criticism'.  I probably covered these points in my earlier post on this, but I felt like I may have worded some of it better here, and it's more concise.   

Firstly I think we are usually reacting badly to people's tone of voice and lack of tact.  People like to call it 'constructive' criticism, but often times they aren't very respectful or diplomatic in their approach, which results in it sounding more hostile than genuinely wishing to be helpful.  On top of that the way people word their criticisms often takes for granted that their opinion is subjective from their own personal experience, which is something that I think grates on us.  When people phrase things definitively as if their criticism is fact, despite perhaps not understanding the full context of a situation or intentions of another person, it triggers a 'now just wait a minute there' reaction where we feel the need to appraise them of the other side of things.  I know I'm much more receptive if someone phrases something in a more personal way.

I think at the core of the issue is that from my perspective it's everyone's job to judge themselves, not everyone's job to judge eachother.  I think this has to do with Fi being about personal evaluations, personally formed conclusions.  Fi is less concerned with what others think it should value, how others think you should be, and is more concerned with internal integrity, with living by one's own values, living up to one's own expectations.  This means that someone coming in and trying to basically take over my lead function's job is crossing the line, it's invasive.  I'm offended more by the person's audacity to overstep personal boundaries than I am by the content of what they have to say - and this makes me defensive.

Additionally, I think INFPs tend to be very sensitive because we tend to get A LOT of 'no you're wrong's and 'you should do it this way's about things that aren't actually right/wrong issues (just because we tend to be different) and so we've been rubbed raw making it extra grating whether or not the criticism/advice is actually worth something or is just another person pushing conformity.  It's kind of like 'the boy who cried wolf' story - people have already worn out our willingness to listen on 'false alarms'.

I also find it irritating that people just assume all criticism is valid, and if you beg to differ with someone's criticism you're brushed off as just 'not being able to handle the truth' or 'being too sensitive'.  It's very frustrating to not be allowed to say you disagree with someone else's opinion of you.  Sometimes people are right, but sometimes they really aren't. 

A Slightly Different Perspective On Apologies

This is something I posted in the INFP venting thread about a cultural attitude that I disagree with and feel that people may not have really stopped to think about.

I hate it when people/book-characters don't defend their intentions when things turn out badly, when accidents happen etc, but instead just swallow all the blame and say they're sorry for the worst possible spin on the situation that someone could accuse them of when That Isn't The Truth of the matter.  What I hate even more is the way this is painted as responsible, and honorable, and strong.  I don't see it as strong or respectable at all.  I see it as weak and unhealthy, depriving others of a better understanding of people.  I think it is very important to be clear about your intentions and I think it's very important for other people to be made to understand that bad results, or even some bad intentions, can still come from or be mixed with Good intentions, - that is the real truth in many cases.  

In my own experiences I don't like someone just saying 'I'm sorry' all subservient without opening up and explaining themselves to me.  I don't see it as 'whiney' or 'defensive' or 'making excuses' or 'trying to weasel out of cleaning up the mess you made'.  I want my bad impression to be softened with the understanding of the good intentions, and the complex struggles of their mind which I was unable to see.  I don't want someone to just say 'It's all my fault and I'm sorry', that doesn't really appease me.  I want someone to say, 'This didn't turn out how I'd intended it, and I was trying so hard to figure out the right thing to do or how to make it better, but none of my best attempts seemed to be working, and I can see now that I misunderstood or miscalculated all along the way, and it's resulted in this mess and I'm so sorry for that, but what I was hoping for and trying to achieve was this _____."  What I want more than apologies is to Understand.  In my experience, That is where real forgiveness comes from, Understanding obliterates bitterness and resent and distrust etc.  For me, even when there is badness in there, when you see the whole picture and understand the subtle and complex mix of thoughts feelings and intentions in someone, it's hard not to have compassion.  I don't want my anger satisfied, I want it undone, melted away.  I don't like being upset with people.  I don't mind being upset with circumstances, accidents, happenings, but I don't like thinking ill of others, so if there's a little shred of goodness in there that somehow played out wrong, I want to know it's there.  

Humility is good, but I don't think that holding back on your explanations and not making good intentions known is really humility.  To admit wrong you don't have to omit good.  There usually is a mix of both.  Just because there was a thread of selfishness or cruelty mixed into your motivations doesn't completely negate any other better factors that were also behind your choices.  In my opinion it's just so stupid to oversimplify admissions of wrongdoing or being at fault.  It's rarely as simple as 'I was a total ass,' and I'm not going to grant anyone a sense of heroism for not standing up for the part of themselves that wasn't intentionally being an ass.  Intentions are far more important than results in my book, so I really want to know when someone meant well.  Simply bowing your head and taking unjust accusations is not my idea of noble humility, it's just failing to bring full clarity to the matter, which leaves things feeling unresolved.  

Regarding the Concept of Usefulness

This was in response to a comment claiming that the focus on 'ideals, dreams, and values' of the Fi function (introverted feeling) which is a key aspect of INFP and ISFP personalities, is "useless".  (I won't go into an explanation of function theory and definitions right here though.)  The person was arguing that the things Fi is good at probably won't make you any money in life and therefore it's more of a hindrance to your success.

What is useful depends on your value system.  What makes money isn't the only useful thing there is.  That is an idea that really bugs me, as it totally takes for granted a LOT of things that we appreciate in life and would be upset about if we lost.  I hate this idea that if you're not making enough money to live on you're not 'pulling your weight' in society as if there aren't a Whole Lot of useful and important things people do voluntarily for no money at all which people freely benefit from in ways they probably aren't even aware of.  

Strict survival without quality of life makes people wonder why we're even trying to survive, so I don't think just putting food on the table and shelter over our heads are the only 'useful' things.  Being able to appreciate beauty - and have beautiful things to appreciate - gives people reason to want to survive.  Sharing laughter, smiles, hugs, camaraderie, love with others - gives people reason to want to survive.  Philosophies and values give people a sense of significance and direction as well as a desire to survive.  These are useful things, not merely embellishments, they give purpose and meaning to existence. Emotional Health is a very important aspect of life; right alongside physical nourishment we need emotional nourishment - and that comes from kindness, from beauty, from seeking understanding of people and the world, from art and philosophy, etc. 

For Example: 

A mother getting up in the night to comfort her child after a nightmare doesn't give her any money, but it's still useful because it helps form a good relationship with her family, it helps the child psychologically become a stable and giving person who will pass on their mother's kindness throughout their life.  This is useful.  

Taking beautiful photos of wildlife is useful because it reminds people of the value of the bigger picture of the world beyond their office building and favorite starbucks, it informs them of places in the world they may not have a chance to see in person broadening their perspective of the world, it encourages them to protect nature not just use it all up.  A beautiful scene can boost their mood and inspire them, causing them to have a better impact on those around them.  That is useful even if the photos are not sold for money to put food on the photographer's table. 

Listening to a friend talk through their problems and plans is useful.  It can help them think more clearly or feel more confident about their course of action.  It gives them a sense of companionship which can boost their confidence and their sense of emotional stability which will help them in general to interact with others in a more sensible and helpful way.  Being a good listener or a shoulder to cry on is Useful even though nobody's paying you money to be a good friend.

Introspection, analyzing your inner emotions and learning to cultivate positive attitudes in yourself will affect your own effectiveness in other things that you do and will provide a positive influence on the others around you.  Gaining an understanding of how people's emotions work will give you the ability to help others work through emotional difficulties, help them understand each-other, and help them work together better so that they too can be more helpful, more creative, more focused, more insightful, more energetic, more productive, more 'useful' in the grand scheme of things.  

Stopping to really think about what's important, and not just take how-things-are for granted, is useful.  It can help us realize where we are going wrong before we get hit with severe consequences.  It can give us inspiration and drive for improvements and discoveries  that would never have happened if we were just focused on maintaining the current system or just surviving.  Developing well thought out values gives people direction and saves us heart-ache. To some, contemplating philosophical concepts may seem useless, but that is very naive, as it is the philosophies and values that people hold which drive what happens in society and in their individual lives.   "Values" are not a hobby or luxury, they affect everything.  Spending some time sorting them out is certainly Useful.

Sharing vs. Asking in Conversations

This was a response to a thread in which an INFJ was saying they felt like INFPs make conversations all about themselves by responding to something someone says with a personal story of their own.  It seemed this person expected further questions about what had been said instead.   I feel like this is a misunderstanding due to a different conversational style possibly because of Fe vs. Fi.  

One thing that I sense with my INFP friends (that other people sometimes don't 'get') is that sharing about myself isn't just about me:

1) it's an invitation for you to share about yourself, it's 'leading by example' or sort of making a pledge of faith in you to lay myself on the table for you so you know it's safe to do the same, it means I'm not just going to take all your intimate secrets and leave with them (which is how I feel when someone just listens to me and doesn't share their own stories in return).  To me it's kind of rude to ask people questions actually because then if they don't want to answer it right then it puts them in an awkward place and introduces a sense of conflict.  I see sharing about oneself as opening up the floor for someone else to share IF they feel like it, but there's no pressure if they don't want to.

2) it's showing that I can understand and relate to what you're saying, or it's checking that I am understanding you.  If I feel like I 'get' the feelings you're expressing, when I share a similar experience of mine and it resonates with you as well then I know we have understood eachother and I'm not just imagining that I get you while in fact misinterpreting what you're saying.  If my story doesn't seem relatable (or seems unrelated to what you were trying to communicate) then I know I misunderstood.  For me, if someone just nods and listens or asks me questions without relating to me I'm never quite sure if they really 'get' it or not, but when they show they understand what I'm saying/feeling by relating a story or expressing their feelings in a way that shows they have also experienced this then I feel like I've really been seen.  So... I actually can't feel 'seen' or understood when someone doesn't share about themselves.  

3) relating to someone through sharing similar experiences or feelings or ideas of my own shows that I am engaging with you and what you're saying, it's showing that your words have 'hit home' by letting you see just where your arrow has struck the target so to speak.  Taking what you've said and relating it to myself demonstrates that this isn't just going in one ear and out the other, it's not just rolling off an invisible mental force-feild.  It's making a personal connection with the other person, taking their story, and my story and showing how they line up or taking your ideas and feelings and mine and twining them together in the conversation.  

4) When talking about ideas, I like to make it clear that I know the thoughts I'm expressing are subjective, so I use personal pronouns a lot instead of just stating something. I say 'in my experience' or 'I think' to try and prevent people from feeling like I'm making sweeping statements about the world that I can't really know or determine, and prevent them from feeling like I'm trying to push my views onto them or other people.  So perhaps all the qualifiers I use to indicate 'this is subjective' come off as just wanting to think about my own thoughts, though I actually AM listening and engaging with others' ideas.

Responding to you with a story about myself is my way of communicating that You Have Been Heard.  It's not coming from a mindset that the world revolves around me, it's not just wanting people to listen to me all the time. 

I love the flow when talking with my other NFP friends, where we each just go back and forth sharing our personal thoughts, memories, experiences, etc.  It feels so comfortable and open, no pressure, lots of acceptance and mutual sharing and relating.  I hate when I feel like I'm being interviewed by someone who is asking all these questions rather than letting me self-reveal, and I hate feeling like I have to 'pull teeth' by asking questions to get someone to share about themselves with me, it feels so rude and invasive.  Asking questions puts someone 'on the spot' which I find rather awkward personally.  I don't want to make people feel obligated to share like I have a right to know about them, but I love to listen if they are open and feel like revealing themselves to me - then I feel really honored. I see it as an offering, not a selfish demand for attention.

Aside from that I do find that writing or telling others about myself is self-affirming.  In a way it can help solidify my personal values and reinforce my sense of identity.  I may also be forming some of my ideas or values 'out loud' while talking about what I think and feel, so it can be an important part of the thought process for me - this is often when I'm re-working some thoughts based on someone else's views: I may be taking new ideas they've shared and working them into my own framework of understanding and values.

The Importance of Patience

Now this isn't something that all INFPs will relate to, but I believe the reasons why this is important to me has a lot to do with my personality type. This was a thread I started myself, and there were mixed replies as to whether other INFPs felt they were strong or weak in the area of patience.

 I find that one of the few things that makes me impatient is the impatience of others.

Personally, I'm constantly waiting on others. I feel like I'm always in stand by mode when I'm around people. I wait patiently while they do things, or get things, or finnish things or whatever. I never pester or nag, I just stand to the side and watch them, or space out. I wait because I don't want to pressure them. I wait because I don't want to get in their way. I wait because I want them to be really ready for whatever it is we're going to do together or talk about because I want them to enjoy a quality interaction, rather than a distracted and hurried one. I wait because honnestly what's 10 minutes here or half an hour there in the grand scheme of things? Whatever. Life will happen when it happens and it's all good....or something like that.  But it seems like, for the most part, all I am ever served back for my limitless patience with others is nag nag nag, get out of my way, hurry up, don't be late, you took too long, blah blah blah. What is with this epidemic of people who can't wait two secconds for anyone? It really gets on my nerves when people can't just wait a little. (Most of the time it's really just like that same old scenario where someone speeds and cuts you off just to be stopped at the same stoplight a block up. ) Aren't relationships with others worth a little more patience? I always tell people to take their time, and I mean it. I usually don't mind waiting because I can always entertain myself with a daydream, and most of the time whatever it is I was gonna do isn't that urgent. 

 I think for me waiting really has a root in the value of 'quality' experiences, creating ideal moments. I feel that rushing things takes away from the full potential of the moment, so I've never understood the need to do/have everything instantly.  Connecting with others is also a value that fuels my willingness to wait. I want to enjoy connection with someone, so if we're doing something 'together' I want to make sure it really is together rather than me 10 paces ahead of them, if you know what I mean. Of course I'm going to wait for you to finnish your dinner and then go get dessert for both of us at the same time. Of course I'm going to wait untill you catch up with me before I continue walking down the road. Of course I'm going to pause the movie so you can go to the bathroom, and wait to press play untill you're all settled again and signal me to start it. Of course I'll wait till you're done reading before I scroll down so we can be processing the same infomation at the same time - together. I think it's the lack of care for togetherness that I see in people's impatience which really gets under my skin.

Incompetence?

Someone asked about the stereotype that INFPs are generally incompetent (an idea people seem to associate with other NPs as well to varying degrees), and mentioned actually feeling incapable a lot of the time.  Here is my analysis of that.

In my Personal Experience (though I'm certain some INFPs won't relate to all of these)

1) INFPs are often quite competent mainly in areas that people around them do not notice or appreciate, and thus come to feel like they are 'helpless' (for example, being a good shoulder to cry on because you're a natural at empathizing with others, knowing just what to say or not say and you provide an accepting, safe haven of comfort, or being a good judge of character because you are good at listening and picking up on subtle cues about people's attitudes, but not being so good at getting people's attention when in a leadership position or not always noticing everything going on around you so you get hit in the head with the ball rather than catching it)

2) Because their natural skills are often not recognized and valued, INFPs often grow up being told they are incompetent and if this does not spur them to 'spite' others by proving them wrong, then it can lead them to believe themselves to be far more incapable of being competent than they really are and perhaps demotivate or scare them off from trying to learn or do things on their own.  I feel like a lot of modern-day 'real life' tasks aren't in areas we have natural ability or a natural inclination to develop the necessary skills, so 'real life' for us is kind of like asking a swimmer to compete in a tennis match instead. Having the encouragement of someone who actually believes in us can help make 'out-of-water' tasks more doable, but often the people pushing us to do these things don't actually communicate a respectful attitude and more often simply seem impatient. 

3) Because INFPs are not very assertive, I think people are more inclined to step in and correct or direct us than they may be with other types who put on an air of confidence even when they're unsure or who might snap at someone who tries to boss them around.  I think this is another thing that can eventually lead us to perceive ourselves as incapable of doing things on our own, when really those people were just meddling busy-bodies getting their 'I'm-so-helpful' fix off us. This can also prevent us from being able to learn things for ourselves and really internalize certain processes, abilities, and information.   

4) INFPs often value relationships where everyone gets to demonstrate their kindness by helping each-other out, more than they value not needing help from others, so they do not have the same need or drive to be self-sufficient in everything they do.  They may even stubbornly resent the push from others to be self-reliant because it goes against the value of giving people grace and showing your care.  If no-one ever needed anyone else the world would probably be a lot more of a cold, competitive place, and that's not our goal.

5) INFPs often don't value the same things other people want them to be competent in, thus they have a very hard time directing enough focus and energy into learning those skills and applying that focus every time those activities come up.  

6) INFPs need a good reason for doing something meticulously.  We can be very precise and detail oriented and thorough when we feel like those details actually make a difference and matter.  However, there are many activities where people expect us to put effort into details that we just don't see as important and feel should fall into the margin of acceptable errors. This isn't so much a matter of competence as it is of differing values.   INFPs' sense of efficiency, not wasting effort on unimportant stuff, ends up clashing with what people think we should be spending more effort on.  

So, yes, we are often incompetent (or at least perceived as such) at certain types of (boring) daily life activities, but I do not see us as simply incompetent over all.  I would be inclined to say it's more often a matter of being undervalued or marching to a different drum or trying to cope as fish out of water.