Sharing vs. Asking in Conversations

This was a response to a thread in which an INFJ was saying they felt like INFPs make conversations all about themselves by responding to something someone says with a personal story of their own.  It seemed this person expected further questions about what had been said instead.   I feel like this is a misunderstanding due to a different conversational style possibly because of Fe vs. Fi.  

One thing that I sense with my INFP friends (that other people sometimes don't 'get') is that sharing about myself isn't just about me:

1) it's an invitation for you to share about yourself, it's 'leading by example' or sort of making a pledge of faith in you to lay myself on the table for you so you know it's safe to do the same, it means I'm not just going to take all your intimate secrets and leave with them (which is how I feel when someone just listens to me and doesn't share their own stories in return).  To me it's kind of rude to ask people questions actually because then if they don't want to answer it right then it puts them in an awkward place and introduces a sense of conflict.  I see sharing about oneself as opening up the floor for someone else to share IF they feel like it, but there's no pressure if they don't want to.

2) it's showing that I can understand and relate to what you're saying, or it's checking that I am understanding you.  If I feel like I 'get' the feelings you're expressing, when I share a similar experience of mine and it resonates with you as well then I know we have understood eachother and I'm not just imagining that I get you while in fact misinterpreting what you're saying.  If my story doesn't seem relatable (or seems unrelated to what you were trying to communicate) then I know I misunderstood.  For me, if someone just nods and listens or asks me questions without relating to me I'm never quite sure if they really 'get' it or not, but when they show they understand what I'm saying/feeling by relating a story or expressing their feelings in a way that shows they have also experienced this then I feel like I've really been seen.  So... I actually can't feel 'seen' or understood when someone doesn't share about themselves.  

3) relating to someone through sharing similar experiences or feelings or ideas of my own shows that I am engaging with you and what you're saying, it's showing that your words have 'hit home' by letting you see just where your arrow has struck the target so to speak.  Taking what you've said and relating it to myself demonstrates that this isn't just going in one ear and out the other, it's not just rolling off an invisible mental force-feild.  It's making a personal connection with the other person, taking their story, and my story and showing how they line up or taking your ideas and feelings and mine and twining them together in the conversation.  

4) When talking about ideas, I like to make it clear that I know the thoughts I'm expressing are subjective, so I use personal pronouns a lot instead of just stating something. I say 'in my experience' or 'I think' to try and prevent people from feeling like I'm making sweeping statements about the world that I can't really know or determine, and prevent them from feeling like I'm trying to push my views onto them or other people.  So perhaps all the qualifiers I use to indicate 'this is subjective' come off as just wanting to think about my own thoughts, though I actually AM listening and engaging with others' ideas.

Responding to you with a story about myself is my way of communicating that You Have Been Heard.  It's not coming from a mindset that the world revolves around me, it's not just wanting people to listen to me all the time. 

I love the flow when talking with my other NFP friends, where we each just go back and forth sharing our personal thoughts, memories, experiences, etc.  It feels so comfortable and open, no pressure, lots of acceptance and mutual sharing and relating.  I hate when I feel like I'm being interviewed by someone who is asking all these questions rather than letting me self-reveal, and I hate feeling like I have to 'pull teeth' by asking questions to get someone to share about themselves with me, it feels so rude and invasive.  Asking questions puts someone 'on the spot' which I find rather awkward personally.  I don't want to make people feel obligated to share like I have a right to know about them, but I love to listen if they are open and feel like revealing themselves to me - then I feel really honored. I see it as an offering, not a selfish demand for attention.

Aside from that I do find that writing or telling others about myself is self-affirming.  In a way it can help solidify my personal values and reinforce my sense of identity.  I may also be forming some of my ideas or values 'out loud' while talking about what I think and feel, so it can be an important part of the thought process for me - this is often when I'm re-working some thoughts based on someone else's views: I may be taking new ideas they've shared and working them into my own framework of understanding and values.