On Criticism: an INFP perspective

This post was in response to someone asking how to make constructive criticism to an INFP without simply alienating them.

Making a critical remark is in essence a social act of placing yourself above someone else, assuming a role of authority.  It comes off as a bid for power and control over the other person - it is basically hostile.  You Can package it better to lessen this effect, but the essence is still there and thus it is a delicate situation if you want to maintain any kind of feeling of equality and mutuality with the other person. INFPs do not generally like taking power over others, we tend to like everyone to be autonomous, no one leading no one following, everyone directing themselves and going together only on mutual agreement, not in a hierarchical leader-follower style.  This is usually a value of ours, so choosing to assert power is stepping on one of our values.  

1. I think a very important factor is Understanding and Respecting what the other person's values and goals are.  So often when people criticize me it's a case of them telling me how I don't meet Their goals and values, and this is precisely what bothers me so much because it is assuming that My goals and values don't count, basically that Who I Am doesn't count.  This is a big part of why it is offensive.  

2. A big problem with people offering criticism is that their tone is often one that seems to be already decided and thus closed to further evaluation and discussion.  (I know this is a style of communication thing that is just natural to certain types, but for INFPs anything remotely assertive can come across as shutting us down).  You can Suggest solutions when we are distressed, but it's vital to use an open tone of voice that allows for us to disagree, modify it with our own insights, or correct a misconception you may have about us.  ASK if your observations ring true for us.  Let us know that you're picking up on something and it Seems like this is the problem we are having and that such-and-such MIGHT be a solution, but I cannot stress enough how important it is to ASK us to evaluate your possible insights, rather than just stating things as though you are certain they are facts (despite the fact that you do not actually live inside our heads and in our shoes).  INFPs are usually very introspective, but so often it seems like people never take the time to listen to our insights about ourselves and instead just pound us with their own outside observations as if assuming we couldn't possibly know ourselves as well as they do. This is pretty insulting when understanding ourselves and who we are is one of the main things we are preoccupied with.  

3. People offering criticism also frequently fail to find out all the details of the situation first, and fail to find out if the other person has in fact already thought about and evaluated the idea they are about to communicate.  It can be irritatingly redundant when someone criticizes a problem that I am already aware of and simply haven't been able to address yet, am actually in the process of addressing, or have deemed not worth the trouble of fixing.  And it can be insulting that they think I'm not well aware of the problem and actually need to be told.  It is SO much better to ASK me for my evaluation of myself, my work, or a situation Before you start your evaluation.  It's very important to hear my evaluation and show that you have made an attempt to understand where I am coming from and incorporate that into any advice you have to help me with.  This also shows respect for me as an individual and my own efforts.

4. It's very important to keep in mind that you are not someone else, that what works for you in your situations may or may not work for them in their situations.  All you can really provide is YOUR perspective.  Coming in with a directive tone, or an attitude of certainty that you are right and have the other person's problems all figured out comes off as pretty arrogant.  Telling someone how they are wrong and what they should do is much less helpful than showing respect for them while offering food for thought so that They can come to their Own solutions.  Someone is not really going to change until they have processed a problem and solution for themselves, merely following someone else's directives because they feel pressured isn't really going to help them all that much in the long run.  But when they come up with a personal realisation and understanding of the problem and a personal solution for it they will be much more motivated to apply themselves to fixing it and most likely more successful at actually doing so.  An outside perspective can be very helpful, but not when it's presented in a way that tears down and takes the power to act out of the hands of the person you're trying to 'help'.  

5. Since INFPs are natural at empathizing a very good way to get through to us is to SHARE a different perspective in a way that allows us to empathize with the party being harmed by our actions.  So, instead of saying "you shouldn't do this" explain that "when you do this it make me/someone feel this way" or "it would really mean a lot to me if you could do this because ____"(and explain why this is important to you).  If you feel that their actions are hurting themselves, don't just assume that they find something a problem that you think is a problem.  LISTEN to what they communicate as their problems and then respond to those with your observations.  Asking us to do something or change some habit of ours as a favor for you is probably going to be a lot more effective than commanding us to do something, because we are motivated by the feeling of wanting to show our care for others much more than being motivated by respect for your authoritative tone or fear of your disappointment or wrath (we do fear those but that tends to just be crippling, not truly motivating).

6. Often people making a criticism will make assumptions about my intentions, and when their assumptions are untrue it can really hurt because Intentions are much more important to me than results.  I would only consider someone 'wrong' if they were intentionally doing something to harm someone else, if they were inadvertently doing so, or accidentally doing so I would never 'blame' them and thus I would not find it appropriate or feel any need to 'confront' or criticize them about something.  I know some people tend to brush off intentions as irrelevant and that is one of the things that riles me up like you wouldn't believe.  Establishing what a person's intentions are before criticizing their actions is Vital.  I can't tell you how annoying it is to be criticized for supposedly not trying to do exactly what I was trying extremely hard to do, but it just didn't work out!  

7. It's also important to stop and consider just how important the topic of criticism is.  The act of making a criticism registers as This problem is MORE important than You are to me.  Many people freely criticize any and every little thing that in the big picture really doesn't matter.  If you're going to introduce an uncomfortable conflict situation (which all criticism is) then it had better be Important.  If it's not important, if it's not life or death, if it's not driving you absolutely insane, if it's not something you care about more than you value Me, then keep it to yourself.  INFPs grant such grace to others, so when it's not returned we can get a bit bitter.  I believe I recall reading somewhere that TJs tend to expect endless reasonability in their relationships, I think INFPs tend towards endless patience/acceptance.  The fact that I still love you despite how irritating I may find you sometimes is what is most important, the love is more important than my irritation, thus it is my acceptance and value of you that must be expressed more often, not the irritations.  Unfortunately for me, this does not seem to be the approach that many others have.

8. It's very very important to not only offer your constructive criticism but to also offer your praise, to communicate your esteem and reassurance that you respect, like, appreciate, care about, and/or love us.  Some people tend to take these things as a given and only speak up about things they are unsatisfied with, but we don't know that you actually do like and respect us if all the communication we're getting is negative.  It tends to make us bristle at every interaction as we can surely expect another sting.  When you offer your insights in a way that provides reassurance that despite whatever it is being a problem, you still care about us and are not going to demand complete conformity 'or else!' it makes us much more receptive because our focus isn't being thrown off the topic you wish to discuss by the worry that you'll abandon us or the defense of our own worthiness of remaining in a relationship with you.  Appearing to dislike us so much may also give your opinion less value because there is little for us to loose here already.  We should not be expected to defend all of our rationale for everything we do to other people just because they happen to go about things differently - we shouldn't be pushed into a child against parent dynamic by people who are by no means our parent.   Criticism often comes off as an open threat, implying that if we don't do exactly as you want you are going to abandon us or hurt us.  It's very important to be clear that you do still accept us despite our differences, issues, or shortcomings.