This is something I posted in the INFP venting thread about a cultural attitude that I disagree with and feel that people may not have really stopped to think about.
I hate it when people/book-characters don't defend their intentions when things turn out badly, when accidents happen etc, but instead just swallow all the blame and say they're sorry for the worst possible spin on the situation that someone could accuse them of when That Isn't The Truth of the matter. What I hate even more is the way this is painted as responsible, and honorable, and strong. I don't see it as strong or respectable at all. I see it as weak and unhealthy, depriving others of a better understanding of people. I think it is very important to be clear about your intentions and I think it's very important for other people to be made to understand that bad results, or even some bad intentions, can still come from or be mixed with Good intentions, - that is the real truth in many cases.
In my own experiences I don't like someone just saying 'I'm sorry' all subservient without opening up and explaining themselves to me. I don't see it as 'whiney' or 'defensive' or 'making excuses' or 'trying to weasel out of cleaning up the mess you made'. I want my bad impression to be softened with the understanding of the good intentions, and the complex struggles of their mind which I was unable to see. I don't want someone to just say 'It's all my fault and I'm sorry', that doesn't really appease me. I want someone to say, 'This didn't turn out how I'd intended it, and I was trying so hard to figure out the right thing to do or how to make it better, but none of my best attempts seemed to be working, and I can see now that I misunderstood or miscalculated all along the way, and it's resulted in this mess and I'm so sorry for that, but what I was hoping for and trying to achieve was this _____." What I want more than apologies is to Understand. In my experience, That is where real forgiveness comes from, Understanding obliterates bitterness and resent and distrust etc. For me, even when there is badness in there, when you see the whole picture and understand the subtle and complex mix of thoughts feelings and intentions in someone, it's hard not to have compassion. I don't want my anger satisfied, I want it undone, melted away. I don't like being upset with people. I don't mind being upset with circumstances, accidents, happenings, but I don't like thinking ill of others, so if there's a little shred of goodness in there that somehow played out wrong, I want to know it's there.
Humility is good, but I don't think that holding back on your explanations and not making good intentions known is really humility. To admit wrong you don't have to omit good. There usually is a mix of both. Just because there was a thread of selfishness or cruelty mixed into your motivations doesn't completely negate any other better factors that were also behind your choices. In my opinion it's just so stupid to oversimplify admissions of wrongdoing or being at fault. It's rarely as simple as 'I was a total ass,' and I'm not going to grant anyone a sense of heroism for not standing up for the part of themselves that wasn't intentionally being an ass. Intentions are far more important than results in my book, so I really want to know when someone meant well. Simply bowing your head and taking unjust accusations is not my idea of noble humility, it's just failing to bring full clarity to the matter, which leaves things feeling unresolved.
