INFPs with ENTPs

This post was in response to someone asking about potential issues in relationships between ENTPs and INFPs:

The biggest issue that I see between NFs and NTs as Friends is that NTs have a way of turning interesting discussions into uncomfortable debates by focusing on offering contrasting ideas and often using a tone of voice that either sounds arrogant or dismissive of what someone else is saying (even if that's not their intention) - this causes NFs to need to switch their focus to mending the apparent personal rift because they percieve you as not respecting or liking them and it often ends up in a hurtful confused fight instead of an insightful discussion.  INFPs are mainly interested in connecting through SHARED interests and feelings - through identifying with someone, so they like to focus on the areas where you agree, and they like to make others feel accepted, understood, and not-alone by affirming them even when they disagree - unless it is a topic that really 'strikes a nerve' with them.  INFPs like to explore topics by each person putting forth personal speculations and observations, individually ruminating on these, and then offering further personal speculations and observations.  While some INFPs can enjoy debate (that is: someone says something, what they say gets criticized/picked-apart/questioned, a defense is made and the opposition is picked-apart/questioned, etc.), it's not usually their natural conversational approach.  Thus the NT's inclination to take an oppositional approach to a conversation is at odds with with INFP's mutual sharing and trying to 'connect' approach - even if both are interested in exploring an idea further.  An INFP in a discussion with an ENTP might easily end up in a chasing-you-around-the-table kind of scenario trying desperately to join your side while you keep trying to switch chairs so you're facing each-other instead of sitting side-by-side.  

One tactic that Really helps is if you can FIRST offer some kind of agreement or recognition of the other person's viewpoint - such as "I can see where you're coming from" and then continue with your contrasting point "but I ____" making sure it's clear that you're sharing a personal opinion rather than simply brushing off or attacking someone else's hard work of contemplation that brought them to this particular idea or viewpoint.  

Secondly, when an INFP 'vents' to you about some problem, although your first inclination will probably be to offer logical advice, what the INFP is really interested in receiving from you is reaffirmation of your positive relationship with them so they don't feel alone against their troubles.  All you really need to do is let them talk through their problem to you while showing acceptance through listening.  To show further emotional support you could perhaps offer a hug or say something like "I'm so sorry to hear you're having this issue" - to let them know that how-they-feel/their-well-being matters to you.  Another thing that can be really encouraging is if someone tells us they can understand why this situation has made us feel this way - note this doesn't have to be saying you actually think it's 'right' to feel how we do (sometimes we actually don't feel like we should feel this way, but that doesn't change the fact that we do) , it's just letting us know that you are at least making an attempt to understand us.  Likely some of this sympathy stuff may feel sickening or make you cringe, and just being honest that you're not comfortable with it even though you understand it's one of the INFP's specialties can help with these awkward situations where an INFP is emoting at you.  INFPs can also keep in mind that you'd enjoy hearing a little less of the sympathetic 'awws' when you try to discuss a problem though they may find it difficult to offer the kind of constructive advice or criticism you may be looking for (since it's usually not what they're looking for when they talk about about their problems).  Often the classic INFP sympathetic response can trigger an NT to become more irritable and the INFP experiences this as the NT not wanting them to care about them and basically throwing away the meaning of their relationship.  So.... if you can find a way to communicate that you appreciate them but that sympathy isn't what you need right now it might help them to feel less hurt.  

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In a dating relationship one of the major issues I can see popping up down the road between an INFP and any NT is that NTs and NFs tend to have this great 'N connection' where they really enjoy all the interesting intellectual discussions - but although this does make an INFP feel close to you, they NEED to experience Emotional connection as well as Mental connection, but NTs don't seem to find the emotional connection so vital for an intimate relationship.  This can result in the NT feeling satisfied while the INFP's needs aren't actually being met.  Some important points to think about:  

1) INFPs feel connected when others share in their feelings, that means being happy with them when they're happy, being sad with them when they're disappointed, being excited with them when they're excited - you don't have to be AS into the feeling as they are, but for a sense of Oneness to occur we need to see that how I feel affects YOU and matters to YOU.  So be aware of the power of connecting WITH an INFP through being on their side with their feelings - being happy with them, or being offended on their behalf etc.   

2)  Now, ENTPs can be fairly expressive/enthusiastic, but NTs in general tend to go for a more understated approach to feelings - and I can tell you that when I'm excited about something being told to 'calm down' when I'm happy is a huge blow (it basically says nothing that matters to me matters to you and you don't want me to be happy), and being told to 'calm down' when I'm angry is just going to stoke the raging fire and not accomplish the desired result at all.  Sometimes it's kind of like I will keep upping the amps as though you obviously just haven't heard the message yet UNTIL someone validates my feeling by saying something like 'yeah that's awesome' or 'I'm really excited for you" or "yeah that totally sucks" or "I'm so sorry you have to deal with that" - the confirmation will allow the feeling to pass more quickly, while any attempts to go against how we feel will usually not have a good result because it's basically antagonizing us. 

3)  Also INFPs will feel like you don't trust them and like you are holding them at a distance if you are unwilling to communicate your feelings to them.  I know for some NTs they don't feel like they really have that many feelings to speak of, or may be loathe to express them outwardly or talk about them because dealing with them is just a really private matter.  I'm not sure what solution there is for this, but it's something that can possibly show up down the line, again with the ENTP feeling like they know eachother well and have a great mental connection, and the INFP feeling like they are being held at arm's length.  And an observation I've had is that often when an NT is experiencing a feeling they don't know how to express or don't want to think about right now they can end up funneling it into an expression of irritation (because they're irritated about the feeling after all) - that seems to be the default emote-mode.  While they may be totally unaware that they are actually sending out these irritated emotional cues, the INFP is going to pick up on them loud and clear and if they're not good at analyzing you and understanding what it's really about they are likely to wonder if you are mad at them though they don't know why.  Exuding a negative vibe like that, and then denying there's anything going on that you need to deal with becomes very toxic to the INFP over time as they are living in constant unexplained stress.  Although we may not always be right in our analysis of others, it really helps if you can take a few minutes to clarify when we indicate we're picking up some vibe, even if it's just a simple 'I don't know, but I'm not mad at you.' 

4) Ts sometimes have a way of taking for granted the good stuff and failing to remember to say things like 'I love you' or make compliments, often only commenting when they have a criticism.  This can lead to an INFP getting only negative input and feeling like they are simply imagining (or it's wishful thinking) that you love them because you have left it as simply 'understood'.  INFPs tend to need a lot of reiteration of your love, liking, and respect for them, so be sure not to hold back on making positive comments.  Or depending on their 'love language' comments themselves may not be as important, but showing frequent reaffirmation and reiteration of your love through other means such as affection or putting aside quality time, doing favors or little gifts will help keep an INFP feeling appreciated and secure in the relationship.   Really, the common T argument 'of course I love you, I'm still here aren't I' tends to feel like an excuse to take advantage of someone like you don't need to put anything into the relationship, and it further adds to a fear that at any moment you might disappear because if you aren't giving other clues about how you feel We Don't Know whether you're on the brink of changing your mind or not.  Communication!!! ;)

On Criticism: an INFP perspective

This post was in response to someone asking how to make constructive criticism to an INFP without simply alienating them.

Making a critical remark is in essence a social act of placing yourself above someone else, assuming a role of authority.  It comes off as a bid for power and control over the other person - it is basically hostile.  You Can package it better to lessen this effect, but the essence is still there and thus it is a delicate situation if you want to maintain any kind of feeling of equality and mutuality with the other person. INFPs do not generally like taking power over others, we tend to like everyone to be autonomous, no one leading no one following, everyone directing themselves and going together only on mutual agreement, not in a hierarchical leader-follower style.  This is usually a value of ours, so choosing to assert power is stepping on one of our values.  

1. I think a very important factor is Understanding and Respecting what the other person's values and goals are.  So often when people criticize me it's a case of them telling me how I don't meet Their goals and values, and this is precisely what bothers me so much because it is assuming that My goals and values don't count, basically that Who I Am doesn't count.  This is a big part of why it is offensive.  

2. A big problem with people offering criticism is that their tone is often one that seems to be already decided and thus closed to further evaluation and discussion.  (I know this is a style of communication thing that is just natural to certain types, but for INFPs anything remotely assertive can come across as shutting us down).  You can Suggest solutions when we are distressed, but it's vital to use an open tone of voice that allows for us to disagree, modify it with our own insights, or correct a misconception you may have about us.  ASK if your observations ring true for us.  Let us know that you're picking up on something and it Seems like this is the problem we are having and that such-and-such MIGHT be a solution, but I cannot stress enough how important it is to ASK us to evaluate your possible insights, rather than just stating things as though you are certain they are facts (despite the fact that you do not actually live inside our heads and in our shoes).  INFPs are usually very introspective, but so often it seems like people never take the time to listen to our insights about ourselves and instead just pound us with their own outside observations as if assuming we couldn't possibly know ourselves as well as they do. This is pretty insulting when understanding ourselves and who we are is one of the main things we are preoccupied with.  

3. People offering criticism also frequently fail to find out all the details of the situation first, and fail to find out if the other person has in fact already thought about and evaluated the idea they are about to communicate.  It can be irritatingly redundant when someone criticizes a problem that I am already aware of and simply haven't been able to address yet, am actually in the process of addressing, or have deemed not worth the trouble of fixing.  And it can be insulting that they think I'm not well aware of the problem and actually need to be told.  It is SO much better to ASK me for my evaluation of myself, my work, or a situation Before you start your evaluation.  It's very important to hear my evaluation and show that you have made an attempt to understand where I am coming from and incorporate that into any advice you have to help me with.  This also shows respect for me as an individual and my own efforts.

4. It's very important to keep in mind that you are not someone else, that what works for you in your situations may or may not work for them in their situations.  All you can really provide is YOUR perspective.  Coming in with a directive tone, or an attitude of certainty that you are right and have the other person's problems all figured out comes off as pretty arrogant.  Telling someone how they are wrong and what they should do is much less helpful than showing respect for them while offering food for thought so that They can come to their Own solutions.  Someone is not really going to change until they have processed a problem and solution for themselves, merely following someone else's directives because they feel pressured isn't really going to help them all that much in the long run.  But when they come up with a personal realisation and understanding of the problem and a personal solution for it they will be much more motivated to apply themselves to fixing it and most likely more successful at actually doing so.  An outside perspective can be very helpful, but not when it's presented in a way that tears down and takes the power to act out of the hands of the person you're trying to 'help'.  

5. Since INFPs are natural at empathizing a very good way to get through to us is to SHARE a different perspective in a way that allows us to empathize with the party being harmed by our actions.  So, instead of saying "you shouldn't do this" explain that "when you do this it make me/someone feel this way" or "it would really mean a lot to me if you could do this because ____"(and explain why this is important to you).  If you feel that their actions are hurting themselves, don't just assume that they find something a problem that you think is a problem.  LISTEN to what they communicate as their problems and then respond to those with your observations.  Asking us to do something or change some habit of ours as a favor for you is probably going to be a lot more effective than commanding us to do something, because we are motivated by the feeling of wanting to show our care for others much more than being motivated by respect for your authoritative tone or fear of your disappointment or wrath (we do fear those but that tends to just be crippling, not truly motivating).

6. Often people making a criticism will make assumptions about my intentions, and when their assumptions are untrue it can really hurt because Intentions are much more important to me than results.  I would only consider someone 'wrong' if they were intentionally doing something to harm someone else, if they were inadvertently doing so, or accidentally doing so I would never 'blame' them and thus I would not find it appropriate or feel any need to 'confront' or criticize them about something.  I know some people tend to brush off intentions as irrelevant and that is one of the things that riles me up like you wouldn't believe.  Establishing what a person's intentions are before criticizing their actions is Vital.  I can't tell you how annoying it is to be criticized for supposedly not trying to do exactly what I was trying extremely hard to do, but it just didn't work out!  

7. It's also important to stop and consider just how important the topic of criticism is.  The act of making a criticism registers as This problem is MORE important than You are to me.  Many people freely criticize any and every little thing that in the big picture really doesn't matter.  If you're going to introduce an uncomfortable conflict situation (which all criticism is) then it had better be Important.  If it's not important, if it's not life or death, if it's not driving you absolutely insane, if it's not something you care about more than you value Me, then keep it to yourself.  INFPs grant such grace to others, so when it's not returned we can get a bit bitter.  I believe I recall reading somewhere that TJs tend to expect endless reasonability in their relationships, I think INFPs tend towards endless patience/acceptance.  The fact that I still love you despite how irritating I may find you sometimes is what is most important, the love is more important than my irritation, thus it is my acceptance and value of you that must be expressed more often, not the irritations.  Unfortunately for me, this does not seem to be the approach that many others have.

8. It's very very important to not only offer your constructive criticism but to also offer your praise, to communicate your esteem and reassurance that you respect, like, appreciate, care about, and/or love us.  Some people tend to take these things as a given and only speak up about things they are unsatisfied with, but we don't know that you actually do like and respect us if all the communication we're getting is negative.  It tends to make us bristle at every interaction as we can surely expect another sting.  When you offer your insights in a way that provides reassurance that despite whatever it is being a problem, you still care about us and are not going to demand complete conformity 'or else!' it makes us much more receptive because our focus isn't being thrown off the topic you wish to discuss by the worry that you'll abandon us or the defense of our own worthiness of remaining in a relationship with you.  Appearing to dislike us so much may also give your opinion less value because there is little for us to loose here already.  We should not be expected to defend all of our rationale for everything we do to other people just because they happen to go about things differently - we shouldn't be pushed into a child against parent dynamic by people who are by no means our parent.   Criticism often comes off as an open threat, implying that if we don't do exactly as you want you are going to abandon us or hurt us.  It's very important to be clear that you do still accept us despite our differences, issues, or shortcomings.

An INFP take on Debates (aka conversing with NTs)

INFPs tend to be known for hating debates and getting really emotional during such conversations.  Personally my problem with debate is not that I don't want to examine all sides of a topic and come to a greater understanding, I do want to do that, and I know that is what many people consider to be the point of a debate.  My problem is When and How people go about initiating conflict over topics (debate); it's more in the style that I take issue. 

Short version:  It's the conflict and often arrogant tone people have that make me hate debates, not the part about examining different sides of a matter and refining my understanding.

1.  Much of the time my main Objective in conversing with someone is to find where we resonate with eachother and enjoy that sense of mutual understanding and 'togetherness'.  My focus is on making a connection with the person moreso than examining an idea - which I tend to do more as an internal personal process than a face-to-face interactive activity.  I will read things that offer different ideas, and I will post-process the different ideas that people present to me in conversation, but During the conversation my focus is on Connecting with a Person.  Thus, when someone chooses to Not try to Connect with me and instead introduces conflict this is at odds with my objective and I am frustrated by them thwarting my goal.  

2. My biggest issue with 'debaters' though is usually the tone of voice and wording that they use.  Many people do not seem able to share an oppositional point in a respectful manner.  Frequently people will use a dismissive tone of voice, or an arrogant adamancy that precludes any further objections from the other party - even if they actually do want (or claim to want) to hear a counterargument to their counterargument, they often do not express themselves in a way that makes it clear that they are open to hearing and considering more.  One of the things that stands out to me is a lack of respect for, or recognition of, people's individual perspectives being individual. Often I will clearly state that this is my personal perspective on something, and I'm completely comfortable with someone telling me that they have a very different personal perspective on that, but instead people will often open a debate (rather than a discussion) by appearing to have the underlying assumption that I and everyone else ought to have the same perspective as they do, or that everyone needs to come to the same conclusions, that there is no room for individuality.  I feel that there are some things where a debate is legitimate, but also many cases where there is no reason to argue because our differing perspectives are not mutually exclusive because we are not the same person in the same circumstances etc.  Sharing differing perspectives gives food for thought, but I don't see a need to attack and attempt to convert all differing opinions.  

3. When someone questions and challenges everything others say I perceive it as arrogant because it appears they believe that I Should run everything by them first, and that I need to get my opinions and ideas approved by them because they-are-my-lord-and-master, oh wait no they're not.  To me this is tresspassing on the other person's mental business of thinking for themselves.  It also comes off as a bit arrogant in the way it often sounds like someone assumes you Haven't thought about something thoroughly and feel it is their duty to 'help' you think, as if you can't do this without them.  Often people will bring up 'but _____' arguments which I have already considered and decided I disagree with or only partially agree with.  I don't think we should be required to explain every detail of our thought process, note every possible exception or consideration that we hold in balance with this, and defend our personal conclusions against anyone and everyone on every subject every time it comes up.  I think sometimes (much of the time) people should be able to simply state what they believe and others simply register that this is what that person thinks without demanding that person justify themselves to them.  I would like the respect that someone will assume I have my reasons for what I believe, I try to grant that to others even when I cannot personally understand why they think that - do I really need to understand their full thought process, who am I to judge it?  However, I will note that there is a big difference between grilling someone and demanding they defend themselves as opposed to Sharing differing perspectives on a matter in a way that allows each person to examine the information and draw their own conclusions.   

I like conversations when people can mutually show respect for eachother's mental process and individual perspective, while sharing their own in a way that doesn't push it on someone else or blatantly dismiss the other person.  It makes a huge difference when people can take the time to try to understand the other person's perspective and acknowledge that, and then provide their own take on things.  I don't need agreement all the time, and I do like thinking about things and having my perspective broadened.  I just dislike when people initiate a state of conflict when I'm trying to connect with them, or when they show disrespect for me as an individual through adopting a superior role or tone of voice. 

Introduction: Personality Cafe

I'm fascinated by personality typing and generally trying to understand other people (including myself), thus when I found PersonalityCafe.com it quickly became one of my favorite sites.  I've learned so much about the way other people experience life from reading posts there, and I've spent a lot of time thinking about my own perspective on life and writing up posts to share my insights and experiences.  I've had a few people say they really appreciate my insights, though I'm certainly not going to claim to be any kind of expert, but I got to thinking that at least for my own sake it might be useful to compile some of my 'better' posts into a blog.  The posts here will mainly be copies of various posts I've made on Personality Cafe, though I will likely do some editing and try to work around quoted posts from other people that I may have been responding to specifically in some of them.  I don't imagine these will be in any particular kind of order, and there may be a number of posts on similar subjects which I don't plan to try and compile into a single entry.  If it wasn't already clear, I'm an INFP according to the Myers-Briggs theory and that is mainly the personality theory I focus on, though occasionally I may mention some others like the enneagram.