Sharing vs. Asking in Conversations

This was a response to a thread in which an INFJ was saying they felt like INFPs make conversations all about themselves by responding to something someone says with a personal story of their own.  It seemed this person expected further questions about what had been said instead.   I feel like this is a misunderstanding due to a different conversational style possibly because of Fe vs. Fi.  

One thing that I sense with my INFP friends (that other people sometimes don't 'get') is that sharing about myself isn't just about me:

1) it's an invitation for you to share about yourself, it's 'leading by example' or sort of making a pledge of faith in you to lay myself on the table for you so you know it's safe to do the same, it means I'm not just going to take all your intimate secrets and leave with them (which is how I feel when someone just listens to me and doesn't share their own stories in return).  To me it's kind of rude to ask people questions actually because then if they don't want to answer it right then it puts them in an awkward place and introduces a sense of conflict.  I see sharing about oneself as opening up the floor for someone else to share IF they feel like it, but there's no pressure if they don't want to.

2) it's showing that I can understand and relate to what you're saying, or it's checking that I am understanding you.  If I feel like I 'get' the feelings you're expressing, when I share a similar experience of mine and it resonates with you as well then I know we have understood eachother and I'm not just imagining that I get you while in fact misinterpreting what you're saying.  If my story doesn't seem relatable (or seems unrelated to what you were trying to communicate) then I know I misunderstood.  For me, if someone just nods and listens or asks me questions without relating to me I'm never quite sure if they really 'get' it or not, but when they show they understand what I'm saying/feeling by relating a story or expressing their feelings in a way that shows they have also experienced this then I feel like I've really been seen.  So... I actually can't feel 'seen' or understood when someone doesn't share about themselves.  

3) relating to someone through sharing similar experiences or feelings or ideas of my own shows that I am engaging with you and what you're saying, it's showing that your words have 'hit home' by letting you see just where your arrow has struck the target so to speak.  Taking what you've said and relating it to myself demonstrates that this isn't just going in one ear and out the other, it's not just rolling off an invisible mental force-feild.  It's making a personal connection with the other person, taking their story, and my story and showing how they line up or taking your ideas and feelings and mine and twining them together in the conversation.  

4) When talking about ideas, I like to make it clear that I know the thoughts I'm expressing are subjective, so I use personal pronouns a lot instead of just stating something. I say 'in my experience' or 'I think' to try and prevent people from feeling like I'm making sweeping statements about the world that I can't really know or determine, and prevent them from feeling like I'm trying to push my views onto them or other people.  So perhaps all the qualifiers I use to indicate 'this is subjective' come off as just wanting to think about my own thoughts, though I actually AM listening and engaging with others' ideas.

Responding to you with a story about myself is my way of communicating that You Have Been Heard.  It's not coming from a mindset that the world revolves around me, it's not just wanting people to listen to me all the time. 

I love the flow when talking with my other NFP friends, where we each just go back and forth sharing our personal thoughts, memories, experiences, etc.  It feels so comfortable and open, no pressure, lots of acceptance and mutual sharing and relating.  I hate when I feel like I'm being interviewed by someone who is asking all these questions rather than letting me self-reveal, and I hate feeling like I have to 'pull teeth' by asking questions to get someone to share about themselves with me, it feels so rude and invasive.  Asking questions puts someone 'on the spot' which I find rather awkward personally.  I don't want to make people feel obligated to share like I have a right to know about them, but I love to listen if they are open and feel like revealing themselves to me - then I feel really honored. I see it as an offering, not a selfish demand for attention.

Aside from that I do find that writing or telling others about myself is self-affirming.  In a way it can help solidify my personal values and reinforce my sense of identity.  I may also be forming some of my ideas or values 'out loud' while talking about what I think and feel, so it can be an important part of the thought process for me - this is often when I'm re-working some thoughts based on someone else's views: I may be taking new ideas they've shared and working them into my own framework of understanding and values.

The Importance of Patience

Now this isn't something that all INFPs will relate to, but I believe the reasons why this is important to me has a lot to do with my personality type. This was a thread I started myself, and there were mixed replies as to whether other INFPs felt they were strong or weak in the area of patience.

 I find that one of the few things that makes me impatient is the impatience of others.

Personally, I'm constantly waiting on others. I feel like I'm always in stand by mode when I'm around people. I wait patiently while they do things, or get things, or finnish things or whatever. I never pester or nag, I just stand to the side and watch them, or space out. I wait because I don't want to pressure them. I wait because I don't want to get in their way. I wait because I want them to be really ready for whatever it is we're going to do together or talk about because I want them to enjoy a quality interaction, rather than a distracted and hurried one. I wait because honnestly what's 10 minutes here or half an hour there in the grand scheme of things? Whatever. Life will happen when it happens and it's all good....or something like that.  But it seems like, for the most part, all I am ever served back for my limitless patience with others is nag nag nag, get out of my way, hurry up, don't be late, you took too long, blah blah blah. What is with this epidemic of people who can't wait two secconds for anyone? It really gets on my nerves when people can't just wait a little. (Most of the time it's really just like that same old scenario where someone speeds and cuts you off just to be stopped at the same stoplight a block up. ) Aren't relationships with others worth a little more patience? I always tell people to take their time, and I mean it. I usually don't mind waiting because I can always entertain myself with a daydream, and most of the time whatever it is I was gonna do isn't that urgent. 

 I think for me waiting really has a root in the value of 'quality' experiences, creating ideal moments. I feel that rushing things takes away from the full potential of the moment, so I've never understood the need to do/have everything instantly.  Connecting with others is also a value that fuels my willingness to wait. I want to enjoy connection with someone, so if we're doing something 'together' I want to make sure it really is together rather than me 10 paces ahead of them, if you know what I mean. Of course I'm going to wait for you to finnish your dinner and then go get dessert for both of us at the same time. Of course I'm going to wait untill you catch up with me before I continue walking down the road. Of course I'm going to pause the movie so you can go to the bathroom, and wait to press play untill you're all settled again and signal me to start it. Of course I'll wait till you're done reading before I scroll down so we can be processing the same infomation at the same time - together. I think it's the lack of care for togetherness that I see in people's impatience which really gets under my skin.

Incompetence?

Someone asked about the stereotype that INFPs are generally incompetent (an idea people seem to associate with other NPs as well to varying degrees), and mentioned actually feeling incapable a lot of the time.  Here is my analysis of that.

In my Personal Experience (though I'm certain some INFPs won't relate to all of these)

1) INFPs are often quite competent mainly in areas that people around them do not notice or appreciate, and thus come to feel like they are 'helpless' (for example, being a good shoulder to cry on because you're a natural at empathizing with others, knowing just what to say or not say and you provide an accepting, safe haven of comfort, or being a good judge of character because you are good at listening and picking up on subtle cues about people's attitudes, but not being so good at getting people's attention when in a leadership position or not always noticing everything going on around you so you get hit in the head with the ball rather than catching it)

2) Because their natural skills are often not recognized and valued, INFPs often grow up being told they are incompetent and if this does not spur them to 'spite' others by proving them wrong, then it can lead them to believe themselves to be far more incapable of being competent than they really are and perhaps demotivate or scare them off from trying to learn or do things on their own.  I feel like a lot of modern-day 'real life' tasks aren't in areas we have natural ability or a natural inclination to develop the necessary skills, so 'real life' for us is kind of like asking a swimmer to compete in a tennis match instead. Having the encouragement of someone who actually believes in us can help make 'out-of-water' tasks more doable, but often the people pushing us to do these things don't actually communicate a respectful attitude and more often simply seem impatient. 

3) Because INFPs are not very assertive, I think people are more inclined to step in and correct or direct us than they may be with other types who put on an air of confidence even when they're unsure or who might snap at someone who tries to boss them around.  I think this is another thing that can eventually lead us to perceive ourselves as incapable of doing things on our own, when really those people were just meddling busy-bodies getting their 'I'm-so-helpful' fix off us. This can also prevent us from being able to learn things for ourselves and really internalize certain processes, abilities, and information.   

4) INFPs often value relationships where everyone gets to demonstrate their kindness by helping each-other out, more than they value not needing help from others, so they do not have the same need or drive to be self-sufficient in everything they do.  They may even stubbornly resent the push from others to be self-reliant because it goes against the value of giving people grace and showing your care.  If no-one ever needed anyone else the world would probably be a lot more of a cold, competitive place, and that's not our goal.

5) INFPs often don't value the same things other people want them to be competent in, thus they have a very hard time directing enough focus and energy into learning those skills and applying that focus every time those activities come up.  

6) INFPs need a good reason for doing something meticulously.  We can be very precise and detail oriented and thorough when we feel like those details actually make a difference and matter.  However, there are many activities where people expect us to put effort into details that we just don't see as important and feel should fall into the margin of acceptable errors. This isn't so much a matter of competence as it is of differing values.   INFPs' sense of efficiency, not wasting effort on unimportant stuff, ends up clashing with what people think we should be spending more effort on.  

So, yes, we are often incompetent (or at least perceived as such) at certain types of (boring) daily life activities, but I do not see us as simply incompetent over all.  I would be inclined to say it's more often a matter of being undervalued or marching to a different drum or trying to cope as fish out of water.

INFP Small-Talk and General Conversation Guide

Someone asked a general question about understanding INFPs and how we do with small talk in particular.  I never got around to actually posting my response, as I worked on it too long and then read all the other replies and thought they had covered it well enough, but I guess I will post this set of general observations here.  (This certainly isn't a complete guide to talking with INPFs).

- INFPs usually don't have a clue how to deal with small talk, but out of courtesy will make some attempt if another person engages them in it.  It depends a great deal on what their interests are, as well as how important it is to them to make a positive social connection.  If the small talk happens to hit upon something they have true interest in they will usually 'light up' and engage, otherwise they will feel bored to tears while attempting not to be rude... which they may fail at despite their best intentions when they simply can't muster the response others are looking for.  INFPs tend to jump rather quickly from the mundane general topics of small talk into personal opinions and speculations, or may answer 'too genuinely', or with too much information, or with some 'random' thought the original comment reminded them of, rather than following the somewhat formulaic social niceities which are intended to make only a passing surface aknowledgement of one's fellow man.  

- INFPs may take refuge in 'small talk' however when they feel obligated to be sociable but wish to avoid the vulnerability of openly sharing about things that matter to them either to people they don't know well or to people they expect disapproval or misunderstanding from.  While others may use small talk as an easy way to open conversation with others and make new connections, most of the time INFPs are not really looking to do these things and will wait for others to initiate instead, unless they are feeling particularly confident and cheerful, or feel it particularly important to get to know someone - though they may feel at a loss as to what exactly would be the expected, appropriate conversational starter topics. 

- INFPs will tend to hang back and listen and observe people they aren't close to, usually with a relatively straight face but in conversation they will usually attempt to reflect the other person's emotions, and tend to give small affirmative indications which can get them 'stuck' politely listening to someone ramble about things they have no interest in themselves, but because they don't want to be rude to the other person they continue to provide affirmation which is meant to communicate encouragement for the person, not so much the subject matter.  

- or they may completely ignore other people either because they are absorbed in their own thoughts, or perhaps a book, and are simply oblivious, or because they are feeling intimidated and either don't want to bother people and presume to interject in their conversations or in any way incur their disapproval.

- INFPs will focus or 'latch on' to anything they can actually agree with or relate to personally and sort of direct the conversation along that vein while remaining silent on subjects where they cannot say anything that will seem agreeable to the other person.  They won't usually outright pretend to like something they don't, or agree with something they don't, they just go quiet unless it's a subject that really hits a nerve with them, then they may surprise people with their vehemence (if they are not still too shy to speak up).  Even though they may not be aware of all the unspoken social 'rules', INFPs do usually have a strong sense of what an individual person (or people in a specific situation) would deem inappropriate and will usually do their best to maintain harmony and not draw too much attention to themselves, but may not always succeed in hiding a strong reaction that is triggered and may momentarily forget their self-consciousness (this is never done because they are trying to get attention, they usually kick themselves for it later).  

-  INFPs tend to be most reserved around people they slightly know, while they are usually more open and genuine (sometimes even loud) with people they know well, and they may sometimes completely disregard social expectations around strangers who can have little effect on their life beyond the present moment (because their opinions really don't matter) and thus become more outspoken and expressive as any embarrassment or dischord that results will have minimal impact.  

- INFPs usually try to be kind, understanding, and encouraging to others unless they perceive the other person as being hostile and inconsiderate to begin with, then if they do not simply avoid that person altogether, they may uncharacteristically return 'an eye for an eye' feeling justified in switching off their normal empathy and tact.  They can often see underlying causes of people's negative traits, however, allowing them to also be a lot more patient and forgiving of shortcomings and unkindness than many people would be.  Others often accuse us of 'making excuses' for other people mistreating us, but a lot of times we can see the pain behind someone's cruelty and view the one who harms us as a victim as much as we are ourselves in that case.  

- INFPs don't go out of their way to be friendly to people they don't sense a connection with or see a need to have on their side because they don't have enough 'social energy' to 'waste' on unimportant interactions or meaningless relationships.  Sometimes they can be a bit stand-offish and judgemental of others, particularly if they have become bitter from other people criticizing and rejecting them, but usually healthy INFPs actually mean well towards everyone and their lack of friendliness is not meant as anything personal against other people, it's simply a matter of knowing their limits and conserving their energy for their most important relationships.

- The more people present, the less likely an INFP is to share their thoughts or attempt to interject in a conversation.  With just one other person we are a lot more likely to find a chance to say something, but even then the other person's pace of conversation may leave us in the dust or feeling like we can't say anything without rudely interrupting.  We need a little 'breathing space', a little pause on the other person's part so we know it's okay to take 'control' of the conversation by saying something.  It helps if it's handed off to us by someone pausing and looking at us, or asking us a question, but... we can also become tongue-tied when put on the spot, and my find ourselves babbling in a way we will later keep rehashing in our heads because it was Soooo not what we meant to say.  We often have to ease into our thoughts, and while pressured may start out saying one thing and then revising it halfway through once our minds have a chance to catch up with our mouths, or else we may just stammer or stare blankly at people giving the impression of being dumb, when in fact if they would wait a little longer we might have something great to say.  

INFPs with ENTPs

This post was in response to someone asking about potential issues in relationships between ENTPs and INFPs:

The biggest issue that I see between NFs and NTs as Friends is that NTs have a way of turning interesting discussions into uncomfortable debates by focusing on offering contrasting ideas and often using a tone of voice that either sounds arrogant or dismissive of what someone else is saying (even if that's not their intention) - this causes NFs to need to switch their focus to mending the apparent personal rift because they percieve you as not respecting or liking them and it often ends up in a hurtful confused fight instead of an insightful discussion.  INFPs are mainly interested in connecting through SHARED interests and feelings - through identifying with someone, so they like to focus on the areas where you agree, and they like to make others feel accepted, understood, and not-alone by affirming them even when they disagree - unless it is a topic that really 'strikes a nerve' with them.  INFPs like to explore topics by each person putting forth personal speculations and observations, individually ruminating on these, and then offering further personal speculations and observations.  While some INFPs can enjoy debate (that is: someone says something, what they say gets criticized/picked-apart/questioned, a defense is made and the opposition is picked-apart/questioned, etc.), it's not usually their natural conversational approach.  Thus the NT's inclination to take an oppositional approach to a conversation is at odds with with INFP's mutual sharing and trying to 'connect' approach - even if both are interested in exploring an idea further.  An INFP in a discussion with an ENTP might easily end up in a chasing-you-around-the-table kind of scenario trying desperately to join your side while you keep trying to switch chairs so you're facing each-other instead of sitting side-by-side.  

One tactic that Really helps is if you can FIRST offer some kind of agreement or recognition of the other person's viewpoint - such as "I can see where you're coming from" and then continue with your contrasting point "but I ____" making sure it's clear that you're sharing a personal opinion rather than simply brushing off or attacking someone else's hard work of contemplation that brought them to this particular idea or viewpoint.  

Secondly, when an INFP 'vents' to you about some problem, although your first inclination will probably be to offer logical advice, what the INFP is really interested in receiving from you is reaffirmation of your positive relationship with them so they don't feel alone against their troubles.  All you really need to do is let them talk through their problem to you while showing acceptance through listening.  To show further emotional support you could perhaps offer a hug or say something like "I'm so sorry to hear you're having this issue" - to let them know that how-they-feel/their-well-being matters to you.  Another thing that can be really encouraging is if someone tells us they can understand why this situation has made us feel this way - note this doesn't have to be saying you actually think it's 'right' to feel how we do (sometimes we actually don't feel like we should feel this way, but that doesn't change the fact that we do) , it's just letting us know that you are at least making an attempt to understand us.  Likely some of this sympathy stuff may feel sickening or make you cringe, and just being honest that you're not comfortable with it even though you understand it's one of the INFP's specialties can help with these awkward situations where an INFP is emoting at you.  INFPs can also keep in mind that you'd enjoy hearing a little less of the sympathetic 'awws' when you try to discuss a problem though they may find it difficult to offer the kind of constructive advice or criticism you may be looking for (since it's usually not what they're looking for when they talk about about their problems).  Often the classic INFP sympathetic response can trigger an NT to become more irritable and the INFP experiences this as the NT not wanting them to care about them and basically throwing away the meaning of their relationship.  So.... if you can find a way to communicate that you appreciate them but that sympathy isn't what you need right now it might help them to feel less hurt.  

- - - 

In a dating relationship one of the major issues I can see popping up down the road between an INFP and any NT is that NTs and NFs tend to have this great 'N connection' where they really enjoy all the interesting intellectual discussions - but although this does make an INFP feel close to you, they NEED to experience Emotional connection as well as Mental connection, but NTs don't seem to find the emotional connection so vital for an intimate relationship.  This can result in the NT feeling satisfied while the INFP's needs aren't actually being met.  Some important points to think about:  

1) INFPs feel connected when others share in their feelings, that means being happy with them when they're happy, being sad with them when they're disappointed, being excited with them when they're excited - you don't have to be AS into the feeling as they are, but for a sense of Oneness to occur we need to see that how I feel affects YOU and matters to YOU.  So be aware of the power of connecting WITH an INFP through being on their side with their feelings - being happy with them, or being offended on their behalf etc.   

2)  Now, ENTPs can be fairly expressive/enthusiastic, but NTs in general tend to go for a more understated approach to feelings - and I can tell you that when I'm excited about something being told to 'calm down' when I'm happy is a huge blow (it basically says nothing that matters to me matters to you and you don't want me to be happy), and being told to 'calm down' when I'm angry is just going to stoke the raging fire and not accomplish the desired result at all.  Sometimes it's kind of like I will keep upping the amps as though you obviously just haven't heard the message yet UNTIL someone validates my feeling by saying something like 'yeah that's awesome' or 'I'm really excited for you" or "yeah that totally sucks" or "I'm so sorry you have to deal with that" - the confirmation will allow the feeling to pass more quickly, while any attempts to go against how we feel will usually not have a good result because it's basically antagonizing us. 

3)  Also INFPs will feel like you don't trust them and like you are holding them at a distance if you are unwilling to communicate your feelings to them.  I know for some NTs they don't feel like they really have that many feelings to speak of, or may be loathe to express them outwardly or talk about them because dealing with them is just a really private matter.  I'm not sure what solution there is for this, but it's something that can possibly show up down the line, again with the ENTP feeling like they know eachother well and have a great mental connection, and the INFP feeling like they are being held at arm's length.  And an observation I've had is that often when an NT is experiencing a feeling they don't know how to express or don't want to think about right now they can end up funneling it into an expression of irritation (because they're irritated about the feeling after all) - that seems to be the default emote-mode.  While they may be totally unaware that they are actually sending out these irritated emotional cues, the INFP is going to pick up on them loud and clear and if they're not good at analyzing you and understanding what it's really about they are likely to wonder if you are mad at them though they don't know why.  Exuding a negative vibe like that, and then denying there's anything going on that you need to deal with becomes very toxic to the INFP over time as they are living in constant unexplained stress.  Although we may not always be right in our analysis of others, it really helps if you can take a few minutes to clarify when we indicate we're picking up some vibe, even if it's just a simple 'I don't know, but I'm not mad at you.' 

4) Ts sometimes have a way of taking for granted the good stuff and failing to remember to say things like 'I love you' or make compliments, often only commenting when they have a criticism.  This can lead to an INFP getting only negative input and feeling like they are simply imagining (or it's wishful thinking) that you love them because you have left it as simply 'understood'.  INFPs tend to need a lot of reiteration of your love, liking, and respect for them, so be sure not to hold back on making positive comments.  Or depending on their 'love language' comments themselves may not be as important, but showing frequent reaffirmation and reiteration of your love through other means such as affection or putting aside quality time, doing favors or little gifts will help keep an INFP feeling appreciated and secure in the relationship.   Really, the common T argument 'of course I love you, I'm still here aren't I' tends to feel like an excuse to take advantage of someone like you don't need to put anything into the relationship, and it further adds to a fear that at any moment you might disappear because if you aren't giving other clues about how you feel We Don't Know whether you're on the brink of changing your mind or not.  Communication!!! ;)

On Criticism: an INFP perspective

This post was in response to someone asking how to make constructive criticism to an INFP without simply alienating them.

Making a critical remark is in essence a social act of placing yourself above someone else, assuming a role of authority.  It comes off as a bid for power and control over the other person - it is basically hostile.  You Can package it better to lessen this effect, but the essence is still there and thus it is a delicate situation if you want to maintain any kind of feeling of equality and mutuality with the other person. INFPs do not generally like taking power over others, we tend to like everyone to be autonomous, no one leading no one following, everyone directing themselves and going together only on mutual agreement, not in a hierarchical leader-follower style.  This is usually a value of ours, so choosing to assert power is stepping on one of our values.  

1. I think a very important factor is Understanding and Respecting what the other person's values and goals are.  So often when people criticize me it's a case of them telling me how I don't meet Their goals and values, and this is precisely what bothers me so much because it is assuming that My goals and values don't count, basically that Who I Am doesn't count.  This is a big part of why it is offensive.  

2. A big problem with people offering criticism is that their tone is often one that seems to be already decided and thus closed to further evaluation and discussion.  (I know this is a style of communication thing that is just natural to certain types, but for INFPs anything remotely assertive can come across as shutting us down).  You can Suggest solutions when we are distressed, but it's vital to use an open tone of voice that allows for us to disagree, modify it with our own insights, or correct a misconception you may have about us.  ASK if your observations ring true for us.  Let us know that you're picking up on something and it Seems like this is the problem we are having and that such-and-such MIGHT be a solution, but I cannot stress enough how important it is to ASK us to evaluate your possible insights, rather than just stating things as though you are certain they are facts (despite the fact that you do not actually live inside our heads and in our shoes).  INFPs are usually very introspective, but so often it seems like people never take the time to listen to our insights about ourselves and instead just pound us with their own outside observations as if assuming we couldn't possibly know ourselves as well as they do. This is pretty insulting when understanding ourselves and who we are is one of the main things we are preoccupied with.  

3. People offering criticism also frequently fail to find out all the details of the situation first, and fail to find out if the other person has in fact already thought about and evaluated the idea they are about to communicate.  It can be irritatingly redundant when someone criticizes a problem that I am already aware of and simply haven't been able to address yet, am actually in the process of addressing, or have deemed not worth the trouble of fixing.  And it can be insulting that they think I'm not well aware of the problem and actually need to be told.  It is SO much better to ASK me for my evaluation of myself, my work, or a situation Before you start your evaluation.  It's very important to hear my evaluation and show that you have made an attempt to understand where I am coming from and incorporate that into any advice you have to help me with.  This also shows respect for me as an individual and my own efforts.

4. It's very important to keep in mind that you are not someone else, that what works for you in your situations may or may not work for them in their situations.  All you can really provide is YOUR perspective.  Coming in with a directive tone, or an attitude of certainty that you are right and have the other person's problems all figured out comes off as pretty arrogant.  Telling someone how they are wrong and what they should do is much less helpful than showing respect for them while offering food for thought so that They can come to their Own solutions.  Someone is not really going to change until they have processed a problem and solution for themselves, merely following someone else's directives because they feel pressured isn't really going to help them all that much in the long run.  But when they come up with a personal realisation and understanding of the problem and a personal solution for it they will be much more motivated to apply themselves to fixing it and most likely more successful at actually doing so.  An outside perspective can be very helpful, but not when it's presented in a way that tears down and takes the power to act out of the hands of the person you're trying to 'help'.  

5. Since INFPs are natural at empathizing a very good way to get through to us is to SHARE a different perspective in a way that allows us to empathize with the party being harmed by our actions.  So, instead of saying "you shouldn't do this" explain that "when you do this it make me/someone feel this way" or "it would really mean a lot to me if you could do this because ____"(and explain why this is important to you).  If you feel that their actions are hurting themselves, don't just assume that they find something a problem that you think is a problem.  LISTEN to what they communicate as their problems and then respond to those with your observations.  Asking us to do something or change some habit of ours as a favor for you is probably going to be a lot more effective than commanding us to do something, because we are motivated by the feeling of wanting to show our care for others much more than being motivated by respect for your authoritative tone or fear of your disappointment or wrath (we do fear those but that tends to just be crippling, not truly motivating).

6. Often people making a criticism will make assumptions about my intentions, and when their assumptions are untrue it can really hurt because Intentions are much more important to me than results.  I would only consider someone 'wrong' if they were intentionally doing something to harm someone else, if they were inadvertently doing so, or accidentally doing so I would never 'blame' them and thus I would not find it appropriate or feel any need to 'confront' or criticize them about something.  I know some people tend to brush off intentions as irrelevant and that is one of the things that riles me up like you wouldn't believe.  Establishing what a person's intentions are before criticizing their actions is Vital.  I can't tell you how annoying it is to be criticized for supposedly not trying to do exactly what I was trying extremely hard to do, but it just didn't work out!  

7. It's also important to stop and consider just how important the topic of criticism is.  The act of making a criticism registers as This problem is MORE important than You are to me.  Many people freely criticize any and every little thing that in the big picture really doesn't matter.  If you're going to introduce an uncomfortable conflict situation (which all criticism is) then it had better be Important.  If it's not important, if it's not life or death, if it's not driving you absolutely insane, if it's not something you care about more than you value Me, then keep it to yourself.  INFPs grant such grace to others, so when it's not returned we can get a bit bitter.  I believe I recall reading somewhere that TJs tend to expect endless reasonability in their relationships, I think INFPs tend towards endless patience/acceptance.  The fact that I still love you despite how irritating I may find you sometimes is what is most important, the love is more important than my irritation, thus it is my acceptance and value of you that must be expressed more often, not the irritations.  Unfortunately for me, this does not seem to be the approach that many others have.

8. It's very very important to not only offer your constructive criticism but to also offer your praise, to communicate your esteem and reassurance that you respect, like, appreciate, care about, and/or love us.  Some people tend to take these things as a given and only speak up about things they are unsatisfied with, but we don't know that you actually do like and respect us if all the communication we're getting is negative.  It tends to make us bristle at every interaction as we can surely expect another sting.  When you offer your insights in a way that provides reassurance that despite whatever it is being a problem, you still care about us and are not going to demand complete conformity 'or else!' it makes us much more receptive because our focus isn't being thrown off the topic you wish to discuss by the worry that you'll abandon us or the defense of our own worthiness of remaining in a relationship with you.  Appearing to dislike us so much may also give your opinion less value because there is little for us to loose here already.  We should not be expected to defend all of our rationale for everything we do to other people just because they happen to go about things differently - we shouldn't be pushed into a child against parent dynamic by people who are by no means our parent.   Criticism often comes off as an open threat, implying that if we don't do exactly as you want you are going to abandon us or hurt us.  It's very important to be clear that you do still accept us despite our differences, issues, or shortcomings.

An INFP take on Debates (aka conversing with NTs)

INFPs tend to be known for hating debates and getting really emotional during such conversations.  Personally my problem with debate is not that I don't want to examine all sides of a topic and come to a greater understanding, I do want to do that, and I know that is what many people consider to be the point of a debate.  My problem is When and How people go about initiating conflict over topics (debate); it's more in the style that I take issue. 

Short version:  It's the conflict and often arrogant tone people have that make me hate debates, not the part about examining different sides of a matter and refining my understanding.

1.  Much of the time my main Objective in conversing with someone is to find where we resonate with eachother and enjoy that sense of mutual understanding and 'togetherness'.  My focus is on making a connection with the person moreso than examining an idea - which I tend to do more as an internal personal process than a face-to-face interactive activity.  I will read things that offer different ideas, and I will post-process the different ideas that people present to me in conversation, but During the conversation my focus is on Connecting with a Person.  Thus, when someone chooses to Not try to Connect with me and instead introduces conflict this is at odds with my objective and I am frustrated by them thwarting my goal.  

2. My biggest issue with 'debaters' though is usually the tone of voice and wording that they use.  Many people do not seem able to share an oppositional point in a respectful manner.  Frequently people will use a dismissive tone of voice, or an arrogant adamancy that precludes any further objections from the other party - even if they actually do want (or claim to want) to hear a counterargument to their counterargument, they often do not express themselves in a way that makes it clear that they are open to hearing and considering more.  One of the things that stands out to me is a lack of respect for, or recognition of, people's individual perspectives being individual. Often I will clearly state that this is my personal perspective on something, and I'm completely comfortable with someone telling me that they have a very different personal perspective on that, but instead people will often open a debate (rather than a discussion) by appearing to have the underlying assumption that I and everyone else ought to have the same perspective as they do, or that everyone needs to come to the same conclusions, that there is no room for individuality.  I feel that there are some things where a debate is legitimate, but also many cases where there is no reason to argue because our differing perspectives are not mutually exclusive because we are not the same person in the same circumstances etc.  Sharing differing perspectives gives food for thought, but I don't see a need to attack and attempt to convert all differing opinions.  

3. When someone questions and challenges everything others say I perceive it as arrogant because it appears they believe that I Should run everything by them first, and that I need to get my opinions and ideas approved by them because they-are-my-lord-and-master, oh wait no they're not.  To me this is tresspassing on the other person's mental business of thinking for themselves.  It also comes off as a bit arrogant in the way it often sounds like someone assumes you Haven't thought about something thoroughly and feel it is their duty to 'help' you think, as if you can't do this without them.  Often people will bring up 'but _____' arguments which I have already considered and decided I disagree with or only partially agree with.  I don't think we should be required to explain every detail of our thought process, note every possible exception or consideration that we hold in balance with this, and defend our personal conclusions against anyone and everyone on every subject every time it comes up.  I think sometimes (much of the time) people should be able to simply state what they believe and others simply register that this is what that person thinks without demanding that person justify themselves to them.  I would like the respect that someone will assume I have my reasons for what I believe, I try to grant that to others even when I cannot personally understand why they think that - do I really need to understand their full thought process, who am I to judge it?  However, I will note that there is a big difference between grilling someone and demanding they defend themselves as opposed to Sharing differing perspectives on a matter in a way that allows each person to examine the information and draw their own conclusions.   

I like conversations when people can mutually show respect for eachother's mental process and individual perspective, while sharing their own in a way that doesn't push it on someone else or blatantly dismiss the other person.  It makes a huge difference when people can take the time to try to understand the other person's perspective and acknowledge that, and then provide their own take on things.  I don't need agreement all the time, and I do like thinking about things and having my perspective broadened.  I just dislike when people initiate a state of conflict when I'm trying to connect with them, or when they show disrespect for me as an individual through adopting a superior role or tone of voice.